Last weekend, I had a wobble about going to Thailand. More precisely, everything in me was yelling that I shouldn’t go. This was less to do with Thailand and what I’ll be doing there, and more to do with leaving Northern Ireland. There are a lot of good reasons to stay here at the minute and it’s hard to leave.
I love change but hate transition, which is a tricky combination. So, while I can see life in Thailand being good and exciting and what I want, these last few weeks – full of preparation and goodbyes – are hard. That probably adds to the desire to stay where I am.
This has, in hindsight, been building for a few weeks and when I finally gave up on pretending nothing was wrong and talked to God about it, He said something that surprised me. He told me that this is my choice – I don’t have to go to Thailand, I can stay here if I want. He won’t force me to do anything. I guess I always assumed that this was the path God was calling me to so there was no other way. But I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God loves me and He will be with me and bless me wherever I am, that He can use me for his Kingdom anywhere. So in that sense it doesn’t really matter what I choose – to go to Thailand or to stay here.
(Of course, in other senses, it matters a lot. I have made a commitment to ARK and I have responsibilities in Thailand. People have supported me in many ways, including financially. And yet, on their own, these are not reasons to go – they will not sustain me and I can’t make this kind of choice to please (or not upset) others.)
By Sunday afternoon, if you’d asked me (thankfully no one did), I might have said that I wasn’t sure about moving to Thailand. At that point, I was seriously considering not going. I was feeling a strange, wild freedom at being able to make that choice, if I wanted – set free by the fact that I didn’t have to go. I was also confused and a little overwhelmed. So I went back to church that evening, to refocus on God, to hear the same talk I’d heard in the morning and to respond to the call to come forward for prayer for a fresh touch of the Holy Spirit (which I hadn’t been ready to respond to during the morning service).
We had a guest speaker, Darrell Tunningley, sharing his testimony (which, incidentally, is AMAZING – listen to it here http://ow.ly/2Av2Oa). When he invited people to come and receive prayer, I sat in my seat and didn’t move as others made their way to the front of the church, even though I’d mainly come for this. Then he got back up and told a story which he hadn’t told in the morning. He talked about climbing a cliff on a childhood holiday, so that he and his siblings could jump off it into the sea. He said that, at the top, he was so scared to actually jump, even though there was no other way back down. But he did jump, and it was amazing.
And I started to cry as the Spirit whispered, ‘this is what’s going on, my love.’ This is the real issue. I feel like I’m about to jump off a cliff. It’s a cliff I deliberately climbed up, excited about the jump into the unknown, into the future of what God has for me. I know I’ll love the journey. I know the jump will be amazing. But now I’ve reached the moment of stepping off the edge and it’s terrifying. The cliff top seems nice and green and grassy and safe. Maybe I could just stay here.
And then I heard my Father again, reminding me, of all things, of a cheesy line from Titanic taken completely out of context – ‘you jump, I jump, remember.’ And I saw a picture of two people jumping off a cliff hand in hand. And I thought, I can do this. God is with me and I’m safe with Him. We can jump together.
So I spent some time with Him, talking and repenting and believing and choosing. I choose to go to Thailand, not because I have to or because I think God will bless and use me most there, but because I want to and because He’s jumping with me.
I still need to process and deal with some of my fears and concerns. I’ve pushed them so far down I barely know what they are. I still feel like this is a cliff jump and I’m still scared. But I’m going to do it, hand in hand with my Saviour, who has never left me for a moment and never will.