Who Am I?

It’s been a long time since I blogged. Actually I wrote a couple of posts but didn’t publish them, because I hadn’t fully worked out what I was finding so hard – what was at the root of some negative thought patterns and behaviours. But I think I see it now.

It seems to me that my identity has been under attack ever since I came to Thailand. In some ways, my identity has been under attack my whole life – Satan does not want me to be confident and secure in my God-given identity. But being in Thailand, it’s more of a blatant, full-on assault.

It comes in the form of being unknown, in the getting-to-know-you process when you move somewhere new, when you realise people have a view of you that you don’t have of yourself and you wonder if they are right. It comes when people don’t know how far you’ve come or how hard you’ve worked to get where you are – so they judge you for where you are not yet, or joke about it, or push you to change. It comes in whispers that tell you that you are unattractive, that no one would ever want to date you. (That one came out of the blue – I don’t haven’t thought or believed or even really cared about that for YEARS). It comes in fears that you can’t do what you’re trying to – who are you to think God would call you to do this?!

I know the answer. I know that God made me, that He likes me and created me this way on purpose. I know where I’ve come from and where I’m going. I know what God has done in my life (although I’m sure I don’t know the full extent of it). I can recognise the lies (and the twisted half-truths) of the enemy, who tries to steal my trust in my Father. I know I am where God has called me – and that actually I can’t do this on my own, but only in Him.

Sometimes I know all that in my head, believe it intellectually, but I don’t believe it deep in my heart. Last night, as I struggled with all this, I read Psalm 27. In the Message, verse 4 says:

I’m asking God for one thing, only one thing:

To live with him in his house my whole life long.

I’ll contemplate his beauty;

I’ll study at his feet.

And really, that’s what matters. I will stay with God. Because when I do, everything else falls into its right place as my perspective transforms and my eyes are lifted to Him, to His beauty and grace and glory. My identity is given to me by God and my life is hidden in Him. So I’ll listen to my Father’s voice, not the others. The voice that calls me daughter and friend, beautiful and beloved, redeemed and precious and free.

Cliff Jumping

Last weekend, I had a wobble about going to Thailand. More precisely, everything in me was yelling that I shouldn’t go. This was less to do with Thailand and what I’ll be doing there, and more to do with leaving Northern Ireland. There are a lot of good reasons to stay here at the minute and it’s hard to leave.

I love change but hate transition, which is a tricky combination. So, while I can see life in Thailand being good and exciting and what I want, these last few weeks – full of preparation and goodbyes – are hard. That probably adds to the desire to stay where I am.

This has, in hindsight, been building for a few weeks and when I finally gave up on pretending nothing was wrong and talked to God about it, He said something that surprised me. He told me that this is my choice – I don’t have to go to Thailand, I can stay here if I want. He won’t force me to do anything. I guess I always assumed that this was the path God was calling me to so there was no other way. But I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God loves me and He will be with me and bless me wherever I am, that He can use me for his Kingdom anywhere. So in that sense it doesn’t really matter what I choose – to go to Thailand or to stay here.

(Of course, in other senses, it matters a lot. I have made a commitment to ARK and I have responsibilities in Thailand. People have supported me in many ways, including financially. And yet, on their own, these are not reasons to go – they will not sustain me and I can’t make this kind of choice to please (or not upset) others.)

By Sunday afternoon, if you’d asked me (thankfully no one did), I might have said that I wasn’t sure about moving to Thailand. At that point, I was seriously considering not going. I was feeling a strange, wild freedom at being able to make that choice, if I wanted – set free by the fact that I didn’t have to go. I was also confused and a little overwhelmed. So I went back to church that evening, to refocus on God, to hear the same talk I’d heard in the morning and to respond to the call to come forward for prayer for a fresh touch of the Holy Spirit (which I hadn’t been ready to respond to during the morning service).

We had a guest speaker, Darrell Tunningley, sharing his testimony (which, incidentally, is AMAZING – listen to it here http://ow.ly/2Av2Oa). When he invited people to come and receive prayer, I sat in my seat and didn’t move as others made their way to the front of the church, even though I’d mainly come for this. Then he got back up and told a story which he hadn’t told in the morning. He talked about climbing a cliff on a childhood holiday, so that he and his siblings could jump off it into the sea. He said that, at the top, he was so scared to actually jump, even though there was no other way back down. But he did jump, and it was amazing.

cliff-jumping

And I started to cry as the Spirit whispered, ‘this is what’s going on, my love.’ This is the real issue. I feel like I’m about to jump off a cliff. It’s a cliff I deliberately climbed up, excited about the jump into the unknown, into the future of what God has for me. I know I’ll love the journey. I know the jump will be amazing. But now I’ve reached the moment of stepping off the edge and it’s terrifying. The cliff top seems nice and green and grassy and safe. Maybe I could just stay here.

And then I heard my Father again, reminding me, of all things, of a cheesy line from Titanic taken completely out of context – ‘you jump, I jump, remember.’ And I saw a picture of two people jumping off a cliff hand in hand. And I thought, I can do this. God is with me and I’m safe with Him. We can jump together.

So I spent some time with Him, talking and repenting and believing and choosing. I choose to go to Thailand, not because I have to or because I think God will bless and use me most there, but because I want to and because He’s jumping with me.

I still need to process and deal with some of my fears and concerns. I’ve pushed them so far down I barely know what they are. I still feel like this is a cliff jump and I’m still scared. But I’m going to do it, hand in hand with my Saviour, who has never left me for a moment and never will.

HoldingHandsImage